Some of my favorites...

Thought I'd transfer some of things that I have written in my Myspace account over to here....

Here's the letter I wrote on my 30th birthday:
So…on Easter Sunday I will be 30. And I’m not too sure I’m happy about it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to still be here……..I just feel like I’m way behind! I’m suppose to have some kind of career by now. ….And a house instead of a broke down trailer in the middle of the ‘hood’….I want more……I’m sure there’s many of you out there that see me as a girl who sits and plays with her toys all day long, while the bf goes to work to pay to bills……If that was only half of it……You think I like living off a man……I don’t. I want my own money….My own independence. But, isn’t that what life is all about….Wanting more, wanting the best. For a long time, I have just felt blessed to be here……17 surgeries later, and I’m still alive. No, I don’t have an illness with a death sentence……Instead, I got sentenced for life. Ugg!!! Yup!….Today I’m having a pity party, however I don’t want your pity, Hell I could care less what any of you think of the situation! I can’t change it….spent many years in therapy to learn that….but I can learn to live with it! I have found out the hard way….Most people can’t handle me being sick…or they simply just don‘t want to ‘hear it‘…. I wish I had that choice. Even when I run from it….it follows me. Some days I don’t want to fight it any more….some days I feel the need to conquer the world…….and some days I just want to pull the covers over my head and pray that when I wake up everything will be normal again….LOL, What is normal anyways? I seem to have forgotten. So here’s to spending my 30th birthday, with my family…..on Easter. I only wish I could get the bf to come with me….Guess I’m not as exciting as his friends are on their birthdays? Oh well……Life goes on….

Here’s to making it a whole year without having surgeries! April 16 2008 was my last, the doctors went in to remove a cyst from my breast, and came out with a tumor…Lucky me still has the cyst, Woo-who!

Here’s to my insides not falling out again, and to all that physical therapy I have gone through to reteach my bladder and bowels to work right……Thanks to the wonderful people at Sentara PT for helping me get here. And to my Head doc for keeping my head above water……

Here’s to Not getting a pacemaker before I turn 30! ……here’s to finding the best Heart surgeon I could~ and here’s to going through 3 heart surgeries…Oops…I mean 4, forgot about the first one when I was 2.

Here’s to the 20 pounds I’ve gained!! *Here’s to having my ass back! Woo-who

Here’s to ALL my Blog friends (*and a few of you Myspace peps! You know who you are!)…from Wisconsin, to New Zealand to Wales…Thanks for keeping my mind off being sick! Thanks for encouraging me to build my dreams…….

Here’s to my BEST girl friends…..Why do all of you have to be so far away?? From Arkansas to South Carolina to Pennsylvania…I miss you guys!

Here’s to starting the teen years with my kids, I only pray they don’t follow the path that I did!

Here’s to my bestest buddy…Thanks for always being there when I need a friend, even though you’re a big dummy sometimes! I still love you!

Here’s to keeping your promises…You know your word is all you really have to give.

Here’s to the fuckers that took what didn’t belong to you…May you have a life time of what’s coming to you!! My kids should of never been involved!!! Shame on you!!!

Here’s to not letting other people’s happiness get in the way….Or their drama…..or my drama…

Here’s to the next 30 years…….Can’t be any harder than the first 30 years……..LOL, Maybe I shouldn't say that out loud, huh?? Here’s to the Prime of my life, as a friend recently put it ;)

Here’s to the cats……Thank you for keeping my darkest secrets to yourself……

Here’s to seeing the world…..one small step at a time…..

Here’s to my Mom…THANK-YOU for teaching me what it means to be a strong woman…..and never letting me give up.

So…here’s to many more birthdays…..and hopefully only a few more surgeries……Life goes on…. Right?

A Letter I wrote about stress:
Gees, I'd really like to sit my doctors down and explain to them STRESS!

Stress is when you can't get a follow-up after surgery for 3 months, then the day before your suppose to see the doctor, the nurse calls to say that she has to reschedule you for a month and a half down the road.

Stress is when go to the doctors and are suppose to get a follow up with a specialist to check on something pretty major....and your are forgotten about. And I have even been nice enough to call and remind them, SEVERAL TIMES!!

Stress is when your insurance company thinks you've had enough physical therapy, and your doctor thinks differently. Stress is waiting to find out whether or not it has been approved!

Stress is when you take paper work in to have your doctor fill it out, and they send it to the wrong place. Or the paperwork gets shifted to the back of the doctor's desk, and is forgotten about. And then certain companies think your lying cause the paperwork is MIA.

Stress is having to go in to a new doctor and explain my 16 surgeries, and relive the horrific details, over and over again. Hello, I have a hard enough time remembering it all....and if I don't tell the new doctor something about my medical history, it's like it never happened. Yup, what you say to one, and forget to tell another, will make you look like a liar in front of a Judge! Oh, and if the right paperwork isn't in front of the judge, it's like it never happened.
UGGGGG..... I could pull my hair out this morning...

....oh, I almost forgot....
Stress is when you hire a lawyer to handle your case for you, and she drops off the face of the planet....not that I was all that impressed with her from the beginning, but still......HELLO, It has been 4 months since I have heard from her!

Here's a really great link:
A friend of mine sent me this link, and I just wanted to pass it along to you. I don't have Lopus, however, I can completely understand the 'Spoon theory'!! It's a great way to explain what it's like living with a chronic illness! Check it out.
http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

A thought on Life:
What do you believe????
I believe in the human race. I feel like earth is God, our mother. She gives us everything we need to live~water, land, air, ect. And as long as we take care of her, she will take care of us. But, we as a human race are not. So many people are caught up in greed they can't stop to see what they are doing. Technology is a good example. Why the hell would anyone build a Nuclear warhead? HELLO? We all have to still live on the same planet! You can't take your money to the grave with you and yet we all depend on it to 'survive'?? And what does survival mean?? To some people it's having the biggest and most expensive THINGS. I want to know I lived! I want to smell the roses everyday and say thank-you for putting them here to show us your beauty. I want to stand at the top of a mountain and take in her warmth. Do you follow? I agree in giving back, and I agree with your statement about treating others the same way you'd want to be treated. I believe in Karma, and what you do comes back to you!


And I'd like to end with this point. I think people rely on the idea of GOD to much. I know someone who said he found GOD and was cured of his lifetime addiction to drugs and lies, and yet it was the biggest lie he ever told. Why not believe in yourself? Being at the hospital this past week, I have heard my fill of GOD. GOD will make it better, GOD is there for you, things like that. Now, I see it like this. I believe in my daughter and every time she says she can't, I say she can and she does. I keep telling her how brave she is and how strong this is going to make her. I want her to believe she can do anything if she puts her mind to it....OH MY~I SOUND LIKE MY MOTHER!! But she was so right. People need to have more faith in THEMSELVES and not some idea.

April 25, 2007
On another note....... I had a moment this morning, and wanted to keep a hold of it. A friend compared Life to a Rollercoaster and I wanted to add my two cents. Even though I have never been on a rollercoaster, I can still voice my opinion, right? LOL ..Is your seat belt on tight, hun? Cause this rollercoaster you speak of is bumpy, and curvy, and it is designed to give you the ride of your life. You just gotta learn how to hold on to what matters most and let your hair blow in the wind along the way. Even when you ride it for the first time, you have no idea what to expect....but you know there is an end. And when the stupid thing makes you puke, You say, "Damn, that was fun, I'm doing it again!" We all do it, right? And you know there is generally a BIG ASS sign at the entrance of a rollercoaster, that reads something like "Caution, or Warning." But we stand in lines for endless hours, waiting. Waiting on our 2.2 minutes of freedom.

A Poem:
'I Will Survive'
It eats at me.
Every day,
I can feel it.
But we can't always see it.
I have to stare at it for awhile,
Daydream,
Put myself into it.
Ask myself where is the truth in it?
Surround myself with it,
Become it,
Drown myself in it.
Remembering I need air,
Forgetting all the rules,
I submerge.
With every breath I take,
It comes to.....
I've survived,
I will survive!

Another Poem:
'Katrina'
They said it was coming,
and no one would listen.
I said it was coming,
and they would not listen.
They said it would be the storm of the century,
and no one believed.
I said it was the beginning of the end,
and they said I was crazy.
Well, the storm moved in,
and THEY had to listen.
Devastation was everywhere.
THEY had to act fast!
But THEY were too late.
Total destruction, total chasos.
Now, when all was said and done,
THEY remembered.
Someone had said it was coming.
I said it was coming.
But no one would listen.

I realize that you may not understand the karma here. Let me explain. The day of hurricane KATRINA~ I, Katrina had emergency surgery. I had told the doctors for months that something was wrong, and they didn't listen until it was to late. Moral of the story, TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!