Just ranting....

Today's symptoms:

PVC are still present......Stress??

Left breast hurts and the pain/numbness is still running down my left arm........makes one wonder if it's coming from my breast or my heart?? Not a really pleasant feeling.

Cold sore is healing...

Managed to get in a two hour nap this afternoon.......I'll be able to catch up on my rest this week, when the kids return to school. No doc appts scheduled yet......Still awaiting call from Urologist, but seeing as the phones have been down here, not to sure if he's tried calling...Will have to take care of this first thing tomorrow.....and ask for my meds to get faxed. They were suppose to be faxed over on Friday, but pharmacy has still not received it.....Just a little frustrating.

Now as far as my emotions are going today.....They suck! Just having one of those days when reality hits and I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. You see I haven't worked in almost 5 years. I've been trying to get disability...but have been turned down due to my age, and level of education. The judge feels like I could do a sit down job or something. I used to manage a fast food restaurant...a job I loved! Loved the fast past of the rat race, and the hours, and the money.....and the health insurance! But I know that my heart would never allow me to keep up in that world again. I could just myself spinning around to do something, passing out because I moved to fast, and falling over into a fryer or something. But that doesn't mean that I don't miss having a 'career'/ Yeah, I know fast food isn't a career that one grows up wanting to be, but it was where I ended up, and for the most part I loved it. The people made it little hard on me most days. Other employees didn't get why I got certain days off.....or gripped because I was taking too much time of. Some days were just bad days, and when you don't 'look' sick, some people just don't get it. (This was also before I finally got a good heart doc to listen to me.....a time when everyone still thought I was crazy.) I live with one of those kind of people.....which is the whole reason I'm in this frame of mind to begin with.......I AM SO TIRED OF LIVING OF A MAN'S MONEY! Life was a lot simpler when I had my own money, when I had control. Being sick has sucked the life right out of me. I barely have enough energy to argue with the kids...I damn sure don't have enough energy to argue with a man about something I have no control over. It's days like today when having a pacemakers sounds good. I want to be able to run circles around that ass and show him, that's it's not 'me' that's doing this....that's it's my dysfunctional electrical system. I have giving up so much already. I didn't finish college....it was the first thing I took out of my life in order to better control my stress level....next went the job. I can't give away the kids.....They're the whole reason I get up everyday. They're the whole reason I haven't shot myself yet. They didn't ask to be brought into this world, I wanted them........I don't care if it kills me in the process, I will never give up on giving my kids the life they deserve! The only other stressor in my life happens to be the person that keeps a roof over my son's and my head. Somedays, it's just so much easier to listen to it, but then I ask myself....is it really worth the bs??? If I could hold down a job I would.......but I still haven't figured out how to work around the surgeries, and the Physical Therapy, and the tests, and doctor appts.......And the kids and their doctor appts....... Who's gonna want to hire someone with this??? I know I wouldn't.

There's so many what ifs..............it's hard! I guess I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and do something......I need my independence back!