My mind is going to fast for me to keep up.

When you wake up crying, you know it's going to be a rough day! Would you believe I laid down "for just a minute" last night around 5......and didn't wake back up until 6 this morning. Yup! I was exhausted! And I don't think I would of gotten up at 6 if it hadn't of been for Otis in my face telling me he was hungry. Also missed my meds last night, so my heart's a little icky this morning.... And then to add insult to injury....

Let me tell you a funny story. So I got my new TENS machine in the mail this past week, and decided this morning that I would get it out, and read the book. It's not the same one I had before, this one has A Lot more buttons on it. So.....my back has been killing me (I think the cyst on my ovary is bleeding again, cause it's the exact same pain I was having last year) anyways.....where was I? Oh...The new machine, So I hooked it up, and got it going and laid down for the next hour. When it came time to turn it off.....I turned the dial the wrong way and about flew off the couch. HOLY COW! Does this little box have a lot of power! Almost reminded me of one of those ablations I had. Good God! I hope I never do that again. LOL< Yes, it's OK to laugh....I did, How dumb was that!?! So now that I'm shaking....... Lets get down to business!

I'm still on the lawyer hunt. Found one 2 hours away that at least took the time to explain stuff to me. I've got a lot to do this week to try and 'get it together'.......if I can find the energy. It makes it hard when you have blood pressure issues to get up and do things all the time. And if I'm right~ that cyst on my ovary is back- but then again, it may have never gone away, and it may just be bleeding again, and if I'm right about that then I've got a migraine coming soon, too. You see......I still have one ovary. Everything else was taking out over a period of time. I ovulate, but I don't have a monthly visitor, you follow. (Sorry to get personal) So I have to guess to when my cycle is, by the symptoms I'm having. And I've tried to write it down to find a pattern, but there isn't one, So I'm left to guess. My point here, is that I hope this doesn't create a problem for me................I need all the energy I can get right now.

Well.....I felt like writing, but I find myself censoring way too much, so I guess that may be it for now......But then again.......

OK...Here's an after thought.........Looking at my last post I see that it has been about a month since my last migraine...... So maybe there is a pattern......

denied.......again!

I can't believe I haven't posted on here since the end of January....What can I say, this is how it is. I've been taking it easy.......and finally got back into head therapy. If you remember my old head doc retired last year, and it was really hard for me to start over. Can't say I've accomplished anything in therapy yet, cause we're still getting to know one another.But at least I'm there. I have been feeling better lately.....but hold on, don't get too excited, this is how it is. And I'm not saying I've been out running marathons or anything, but my spirits have been up. Then again it might just be that time of year. I always get that 'spunk' of energy when it starts to warms up.

Last week was a little rough....Stress has been a factor though so I understand. A week of migraines and lots of bathroom visits! Yuck! I got my last denial letter from Social Security this past week, and have been busily trying to find a 'disability lawyer that works at the federal level'. I really don't have the energy for this, but I also don't feel like there was anyway I could of held a job down and go through what I want through. No, I still haven't returned to work yet....still having problems with my blood pressure fluctuating....among other things. But I am trying to get there. I finally found a doctor in my area that 'treats' Dysautonomia!!! But couldn't get an appointment until September. However, my appointment is for 2 hours, so we'll be able to cover A Lot!!

So that's about it...Not to exciting huh, lol...............

See ya next time......

Thyroid update.

Thought while I was on here...I should post an update, huh.

So, let's see. My blood work on my thyroid came back normal. But my ultrasound did not. Seems I have an enlarged thyroid (Thyromegaly, as it reads on the report)....and I have a 1.9 cm solid nodule on my left lobe. Fun, huh! I have had A Lot of crazy thoughts go through my head since I got the news, but for the most part , I think I have settled my nerves down. I don't get to see a specialist until April, which annoys me because I'm ready for answers NOW! I Hate waiting. But on the bright side of things, my PCP doesn't think it's cancerous, so that's good. Just another bump in my road, I guess. But I tell you this, I am really Tired of learning about new body parts. If I had wanted to know all this I would been a doctor or something. But it does make me think that with this knowledge, one day.....it may come in handy. Just wish I could remember everything I read. Half of it is lost as soon as I read it, not to mention that the other half is not even understandable. Don't they have a Dummy's guide to the human body...something with words that I could understand? I don't get half of it. I do try and write down my questions though...and I try to copy the important stuff into my notes. That way, when I'm at the doctors, I at least have a general idea of what he'll be talking about, and if I have any questions, I can ask them, them.

So....in other words, I still really have no clue as to what is going on. I ask myself how much of my 'heart symptoms' are actually thyroid issues, and if they can be fixed with meds. Wouldn't that be awesome! If I eventually became symptom free.....I wouldn't even know what to do with myself, lol.

Still haven't made an appoint with my OBGYN........I'm still wore out from all the crap I've dealt with so far, I'm just running low on umph! I look at it like this. I don't want to go on meds, and I don't want to lose my last ovary either. So, I wait it out, and see what happens. I can live with pain......gives me an excuse to take long hot baths. Mind of matter right. Or maybe I'm just being stubborn.

I dunno.....
I know this much
I'm open to any advice or info any one has on thyroid issues. Any good website recommendations? Any thing I should know about as far as meds go? Anything I should know period? Any tips, books.....Anything? I'd really appreciate any advice anyone has to offer! Thanks!

Until Next Time......

I'm still here......

Yes! I know, I am long overdue on a post......But don't worry, you haven't missed much! I took the month of December off! I decided that I needed a month of no doctors! No stress! No BS! I'm 'sick' and there's nothing that can be done about that....and all the other little things are just bumps in the road, But Dang it! I need a break sometimes! And if that means staying away from the stress of the doctors, then so be it. I honestly could use another month or 2 to hide, but I'm afraid that if I put things off any longer, I may cause more damage. So....with that said:

I saw my PCP yesterday to catch up and try and get a handle on somethings. When I had my annual exam with my regular OBGYN, she told me that my Thyroid was 'prominent" and that I needed to get it checked out. Well......My step-sister has had hers removed, then My Mom had hers removed this past year....and well, it's just something I didn't want to deal with over the holidays! I can't tell you how many times I have spent the holidays sitting at the hospital waiting on a CT, or blood work, or preparing for surgery.....and well, this year, I didn't want to do that! However, my life isn't really about me, it's about all those people that surround me, and well, I can't let them down. So, yesterday, I got my blood work done, and the doc has ordered an ultrasound to check it out further. Funny thing is I now know where my Thyroid is.....From what I read yesterday, your not suppose to be able to feel it at all......Unless it's acting up~ so maybe now that I've said something aloud about it, it will go away! Honestly, I've felt it acting up for months now, but I honestly made myself believe that I was just having sympathy 'aches' for my Mother.....Or I blamed it on my sinus draining.....Yes, I have been trying to think of everything else, but the worse case scenario....I'm just tired of being cut open.....Really! I'm over it!

And then to top it all off, I can't stop thinking about going back to school. About where my life isn't going. I had so many dreams of what my life was going to be like...and they're all coming back to me. I just don't know how to balance doing something with myself and taking care of myself. It's depressing! I keep telling myself that there's a bigger plan, and that this is how I'm suppose to prepare for it......but it makes my head hurt thinking about what it is that I'm preparing for, ya know! Life!

......and we can't forget about my ovary! Next month I gotta get an ultrasound to see if that cyst has shrunk any....and yet, I don't have a doctor I trust to talk to about it. I like my primary OBGYN~ But she sent me up stream along time ago, because my case was too complex....and I don't blame her! Actually I respected her for being honest with me about it. Yesterday, my PCP told me to go back to her, and see if I can't find a new starting point. I really don't wanna, and still haven't called. I just feel like I'm running in circles....well, maybe crawling in circles would be more like it, lol. Point is, I'm going nowhere fast, and IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS!!!

So, as I sit here and prepare for my next ride, I think. and Think.....and think........
Will I ever be able to get past this?????

Until next time.....

I know...it's been awhile!

Well.....If you've read my other blog.....You know that my computer was acting up....and I simply unplugged it. Electronics really stress me out...Other than knowing how to turn one on......I just don't get it. And then I also just didn't feel like talking.

My Grandmother passed away on Oct 22....and then began some family drama, that I really wanted to avoid. I just don't think some things need to be aired all over the web...Yes, I know I've shown pictures of my body that know one else would show...but when it comes to talking trash about a certain family member....I'm just not going to do it! I will say this.....My 'family' is very important to me....And there's some people that I really don't consider Family....and I just think they need to mind their own business! So with that said....I'm moving on.

Grandma was cremated.....And is now back at home with Grandpa. And Grandpa is talking about taking her on a cross country train ride, because it's something that he's always wanted to do! I just think it's so sweet that he wants to do this!!! My Grandparents have been together for 60 something years.....So it only seems natural that he'd take her with him.

And as for my health....Well.....nothing has changed. I went for an ultrasound last week, and I do think they said that the cyst wasn't hemorrhaging anymore, but that it had gotten a little bigger....I just don't want to mess around with the hormone treatments~ After going through 3 heart ablations....I AM NOT trying to mess up any of that work that was done. It scares me. And surgery is just not an option right now~ I really want to keep my ovary as long as I can. So the doctor suggested a follow up ultra sound in 3 months. And let me tell you.......This waiting game SUCKS! I want it fixed now, I am tired of playing with it. I did have my blood check, and there was no anemia.....and they even checked my stool, and there's no blood there.....So that makes me feel a little better.

The doctor and I seem to be bumping heads though about where my pain is coming from......I know that when I have a bowel movement...it hurts like hell, like the bowel movement is sliding across something that is really sensitive. And he thinks it coming from my IBS. LOL< I even took a Valium before I went and talked to him the last time, so I didn't get emotional.....but the conversation we had seemed to go nowhere, and I was crying and having an anxiety attack as I left. So now I guess I'll get a third opinion. But I'm running out of options here. I think I've seen 2/3 of the GYNs in this area in my life, and I've bumped heads with ALL of them. Makes me feel like I'm the one who has the problem, but honestly....no one ever really wants to listen to me. I've been playing this game for years, and have run real short on the energy I have left. I really need to get back on track.....Looks like I have a lot to do, and yet.....I think I need a break. ( LMAO!!~ You know what the shitty part of being 'sick' is.....You never really get a break! You can't run or hide from it......I know, I have Tried...It just followed along behind me! But I can take a break from the doctors, right. So Now I'm waiting.....waiting for the next hiccup, waiting for this cyst to go away.....and waiting for my Umph to come back........

That's about it I guess......With me anyways.....

But before I go.....I want to tell you about my neighbor and her son, Lane. The weekend we took the kids to camp, her son fell and hurt his leg, And when his parents took him to the ER, they found out he has cancer in his leg. Luckily we are right next to one of the Best Children's hospitals...where he has been receiving his chemo, but here on the 20th he goes to Duke for surgery. This Kid is Amazing! Lane always makes me laugh! His parents have a website for him, and when you get a chance......you should go check it out, too!! His link is over on the right hand side of my page...and while you're there~ Look at his pictures(second page of pics I think)!! He was a tank this year for Halloween, and honestly, it's the coolest costume I've ever seen!! Also....please leave him a comment....it's Ok that you don't know him, He just likes reading them! I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for the family this week, they have a long road ahead of them!! My prayers and thought will be with them!!

My Grandmother

My Mother called earlier today to tell me that my grandmother is not doing really well, and they have asked for the family to come. She had surgery on her bowels about a month ago, and never really fully recovered from the surgery. She's had colon cancer twice, and lived through that! But now that she's older, her body isn't holding up as well as we would like it to. My Mom has told me she will fly me out to California when I'm ready....but I told her, I should probably wait until Monday, and get a doctors clearance before I fly. I get really sick when flying, and I want to make sure I can handle that. Among everything else.

Grandma is 86, I think, and has been married to Grandpa for over sixty something years. And I don't think Grandpa knows how to deal with this.....he's always had her with him! It's so sad when you see older couples that have been together forever, lose one another. She's my Last living Grandmother.

....And I can't be there.....yet! Hopefully by the grace of God, this is just a hiccup in the road, and Grandma will be back to normal in no time, but I fear the worst. Time will tell........and until then, all I can do is wait.


**Update**
So time is starting to run together and I'm not sure where I last left off. But this is where we are at today. Mom called last night to tell me the doctor had been by and that Grandma was now in a coma. He told the family that she would probably pass on during the night...if not the next day. It is now Thursday the 22nd of Oct.....and because of the stupid time difference, I have to sit and wait another 3 hours before I can call my Mom. Not to mention the fact that I'm still waiting on the doctor to call. THAT has been one big mess!!

So, I was trying to get in and see the 2nd OBGYN, to get her opinion about the cyst....And then her Secretary called me Early Monday morning to tell me that she (The doctor) had the flu and would not be in the office that day. So then I called my PCP and made an appointment.......and while I was at that appt, I got him to run a few basic tests. They're checking my blood to make sure I'm not anemic....and they now have a stool sample to check for blood. However that was Tuesday...and the doctor told me he was going to call the 1st OBGYN to see what we could do to get my appointment moved up. And he said he'd either call me that afternoon or the next morning to let me know. And well....I'm still waiting. I'm guessing the blood work hasn't hit his desk yet, and considering that this is the beginning of flu season, they've been really busy.

Like I said..... I'm waiting........waiting for the doctor to call and tell me I'll be fine, so I can get on a plane and go be with my Mom before she breaks down. I know I've missed the opportunity to talk to Grandma, but I also know My Mom needs me there right now, even if she says she don't. I'm her only child......and she's my world!

Needless to say.....I am REALLY frustrated with things right now...and I just don't know what to do. Really, I am not trying to whine here about something that might seem so simple to someone else...I'm just not trying to cause anymore drama for the family.

Is it just me??

Or do you get really annoyed when you show up at the doctors 30 minutes early to fill out paperwork, for someone to then come out and tell you 30 minutes after your appointment that the doctor is running an hour late????? Ya know, I am really getting tired of this whole game you play with being 'sick'. I understand that there is thing called emergencies, but darn it, when you piggy back patients every 15 minutes, that doesn't give you anytime for emergencies....and some of your other patients, who might not be in a dire emergency, but really need to talk to someone, are left to sit and wait. When the receptionist came out yesterday and told me the doctor was behind, I asked her if I could come back or could we reschedule....and she said she had to ask the nurse. And the nurse said something like if I wasn't back when she called me then I wouldn't get seen. NOW......would it really be that hard for the nurse to WORK WITH ME??? Seriously, I can barely sit for an hour without my legs going numb.....not to mention the pressure that I get in my abdomen from sitting...so no I'm not going to sit in the waiting room forever waiting.....I'll come back! So we rescheduled for Monday. Hopefully it goes a lot smoother then! BUT DAMN Am I ANNOYED! Really, I'm tired of this shit! I'm tired of waiting.....I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of taking a Valium just so I can get through shit without going postal! If I could get my head to spin around, I would...and then I'd ask them...CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW???

I did manage to ask if they had gotten my other records, and they have.....so I guess i can forgive them for the whole time management thing........So, keep your fingers crossed that I can get a little further ahead on Monday!!

Oh....and while I'm thinking of it......I really need to find another head doc. I thought I could do this on my own.....but I'm just not that sure anymore!!!! I really, really miss Linda!!! Damn you for retiring, LOL!!!!!