Friday, May 27, 2011

One life to Live

Oh my....
Am I way overdue on a post, huh!!

So... the last time I was here, I had just gotten my packet from Social Security.

However, since that time....... I decided to let it go. The whole thing stresses that crap out of me. I feel like half the tests I have gone through were taken just so someone else would see what I'm talking about. And the judge just didn't get it. I ran out of energy I guess. I'm tired of arguing with some old man about something he has no clue about. He is NOT a doctor.... and he is not me. How in the world could he possible understand female problems? .... I didn't go down without a fight though. I reapplied.... spent a month getting my records together, and filled out a ton of paperwork(reliving every detail from the past several years)... and then got denied again. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me I'm disabled. Anyways the whole thing was just too much. For the last 8 years.... All I've been able to focus on was how sick I was. ((It's been hitting me here lately- I was really sick there for awhile)) Now it's time to focus on moving froward! I'll have these problems for the rest of my life, and I'm tired of defending myself. Really, do you know how much easier it would be to just go to work.

So I opened an online store to sell 'my art'. It's nice having something positive to focus on! It doesn't pay the bills, but hey- it's more than I've made in Years, so that's a good thing! And it gets me out of the house everyday to see the drama at the post office. Yes, there's drama everyday at My post office, lol. But I like having something that I can do from bed. And when I'm tired, I can go to sleep.... and when I'm 'sick'- I can deal with that. If I'm having a bad day, I don't have to call in sick. I can just roll back over and sleep some more. If one of the kids needs me, I can drop what I'm doing (although they'd tell you I get pretty lost in my minis, lol) ,and take care of one of them. For example- Tuesday evening my oldest fell off his bike, and I had to take him to the ER to get his arm checked out. It was nice to be able to just go.... And when I got home, I went right back to crafting cause I was wide awake then. I take it as it comes, you know. One day at a time!

So while I'm here, Here's my recent complaint list, lol:

Abdominal pain- BM hurt like hell- I can feel them moving through my stomach and it feels like someone is dragging glass. Could be that cyst... could be scar tissue. Either way.... I'm living with it, till someone tells me I can't. They told me another surgery would be really rough, and well I'm just not ready for that... I'm still up and moving, so I'm good, right?! I do generally feel better....could be the meds, could be the stress?! My weight is back to where it is suppose to be- and now none of my clothes fit again. lol. I still get monthly migraines... I still wake up in the middle of the night vomiting? But I would have to say the hardest part is still my heart. I get dizzy standing up, I can't stand in one place for any amount of time with out my legs going numb... And I still get runs of SVT- really fast heart rate. I sweat so bad.... Had forgotten how bad until I tried to do some yard work the other day- I was drenched in 5 minutes! Oh, and my eyes don't want to dilate. It's horrible.... They start to burn, and water, and then water somemore. I've always been sensitive to the sunlight, but not like this.

But I'm living with it. I have managed to stay away from most of my doctors here lately, and that's a good thing:) I get tired of going! And I'm starting to realize that there might not be a 'fix-it' solution. Either I go in and get numerous tests done, so the doctor can understand it.... or I deal with it. One of the last doctors I saw has a plan for me to try this med, and max out on the dose, then if that doesn't work, he wants me to try this med at maxium dose...and so on. I also asked him before I left "What would happen if".... and when he answered with 'There's only one way to find out'.... I realized he didn't know anymore than I did, but was willing to try me out on this med, or that so he could understand it.... It hit me, I don't wanta play theirs games anymore. I'm tired. I spent the last 10 years trying to figure it all out, and I want to spend the next ten years focused on something else. I hope I'm making sense here.... I know I'm rambling. But it is where I am with it......

So with that being said, I will be back..... oneday. I have a life to live:)

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