Well....Things went well today.

Saw my head doc this morning.... Learned that I really need to go into my symptoms more. Realized that I've just been going with the flow for years. I have issues with several body functions, and well, it's just become normal to me. I've had the proper work ups done, so I know I'm not dying, and that helps relieve some of that stress...But my symptoms are still here. I've gone through pain management therapy, and physical therapy and learned a lot about dealing with pain. I can't take any of the 'good pain killers', unless I want to spend the night vomiting, and when your in pain, throwing up doesn't help, neither does an IBS flair- which can also be a result of taking any pain medicine. I take hot/warm/cold baths, use a heating pad, a TENS machine, massage; trigger point rubbing, Sleep.....and then occasionally use Tylenol, Valium and recently Darvocet. Although I don't think I've taken one of those since last weekend, but then again...I've had the kids~ and I don't like 'being knocked out' when they're all here. OK...so I need to stop rambling again and get to a point. At some point I need to find a starting point, and work way way form head to toe, and get those 'symptoms' written down for someone to understand. Fun, huh.... I have tried this in the past and normally only last a few days recording things because I Hate Reliving It!! At least that's how I feel when I have to write about what happened.....then again, sometimes it can be therapeutic. So.....

I went to see the new GYN today, and I think I may be able to work with her. She's ordered another ultrasound......2 weeks from today, then I have a follow up appt. a month from then. I think she understands where I'm coming from with not wanting to go back on Hormone therapy, and understands my need to try and keep my only ovary. I just turned 31 this past April, and I'm not ready for menopause yet. And I don't think my body will handle that too well~ thinking it may affect the dysautonomia. However she did ask me when was the 'last time someone scoped me'......and I didn't really realize that it has been 5 years. Actually the last time someone looked inside was when I had that abscess removed, and the Foley ball temporary put in. Wonder what's happened in there since then? So...as usual...time will tell. Oh...and she upped my Amitriptyline......can't remember why exactly.....but I'm off to find out, lol.

**OK, so Amitriptyline (of which was originally prescribed to me for migraines) can also be used for chronic pain that is nerve related, anxiety disorders, and a few other unrelated (to me) things. So I'm assuming she's upped the dose to control my 'chronic pain'. At least that's my opinion. **Other uses: Carpul Tunnel Syndrome , IBS, and internal cystitis may all be treated with amitriptyline.
and Due to amiptriptyline's ability to induce sleepiness, it is sometimes used to treat insomnia

See ya next time:)

Rambling on again....

Thought I'd update you on where I'm at this week.

So I found a lawyer in the area that has agreed to look at my file for me. However, I also found out that it's going to take this disabilitly office at least 2 months to 'get to the request' for that file.......and considering I have about 2 weeks to get this appeal filed, I had to laugh. In more ways than one, I screwed myself.....and if there's a bit of hope out there.....I can fix this....maybe. First, I have to muster up the energy and the courage to walk my ass through those big metal doors and beg, whine and plea. I'm not good at this, I'm not good at complaining. I read on a blog the other day where someone was talkng about pain, and not realizing how much pain they were in because it was just a part of who they were. And in turn, it made me look at my life. I don't complain about things on an everyday bases because I'm just used to it. Well, I can't say I used to it, but it is a part of who I am. From the pain in my abdomen, to the irratic heat beats.....it is what it is. However, I guess I need to learn how to complain....how to really express my symptoms, and not just try and sugar coat them for other people. I mean come on....When some one asks me how I'm doing, My normal response is 'Fine'..... No one wants to hear that I woke up with a migraine around 2....couldn't go back to sleep......had to puke around 3...and then I slept in the tub till 6....... And today I'm dragging. I'm alive ain't I? Then I'm Fine, you see? Oh My....I''m talking in circles again, huh??? LOL> Welcome to my world.....around and around we go....

So, I meet with a new OBGYN tomorrow, and I'm a little nervous. I don't know what my problem is, But I have yet to find an OB that I can get along with, and I have seen A Lot. I feel as if they never truly listen to me, and I'm not one to make shit up. I'm just so overly in tune with my body. I know this now..... It took me awhile to trust myself again, still very angry with the doctors that once made me doubt myself......But in the long run, It taught me to Trust My own Body!! And my own instincts. Hopefully this OB tomorrow can get on the same page with me....and if not, then at least I'll be able to get my follow-up ultrasound to check on that cyst. I do still plan on being stubborn about No more birth control.....and about not rushing into any kind of surgery.....If I've said it before I'll say it again......I'd like to keep this ovary as long as I can. In September, I'll meet a specialist who deals with Dysautonomia patients, and hopefully he'll be able to answer all those questions I have. I'm curious to see how the reproductive system and hormones effect dysautonomia patients......

OK, I'm off to get my questions ready for tomorrow.....I have to write stuff down or I forget!

My mind is going to fast for me to keep up.

When you wake up crying, you know it's going to be a rough day! Would you believe I laid down "for just a minute" last night around 5......and didn't wake back up until 6 this morning. Yup! I was exhausted! And I don't think I would of gotten up at 6 if it hadn't of been for Otis in my face telling me he was hungry. Also missed my meds last night, so my heart's a little icky this morning.... And then to add insult to injury....

Let me tell you a funny story. So I got my new TENS machine in the mail this past week, and decided this morning that I would get it out, and read the book. It's not the same one I had before, this one has A Lot more buttons on it. So.....my back has been killing me (I think the cyst on my ovary is bleeding again, cause it's the exact same pain I was having last year) anyways.....where was I? Oh...The new machine, So I hooked it up, and got it going and laid down for the next hour. When it came time to turn it off.....I turned the dial the wrong way and about flew off the couch. HOLY COW! Does this little box have a lot of power! Almost reminded me of one of those ablations I had. Good God! I hope I never do that again. LOL< Yes, it's OK to laugh....I did, How dumb was that!?! So now that I'm shaking....... Lets get down to business!

I'm still on the lawyer hunt. Found one 2 hours away that at least took the time to explain stuff to me. I've got a lot to do this week to try and 'get it together'.......if I can find the energy. It makes it hard when you have blood pressure issues to get up and do things all the time. And if I'm right~ that cyst on my ovary is back- but then again, it may have never gone away, and it may just be bleeding again, and if I'm right about that then I've got a migraine coming soon, too. You see......I still have one ovary. Everything else was taking out over a period of time. I ovulate, but I don't have a monthly visitor, you follow. (Sorry to get personal) So I have to guess to when my cycle is, by the symptoms I'm having. And I've tried to write it down to find a pattern, but there isn't one, So I'm left to guess. My point here, is that I hope this doesn't create a problem for me................I need all the energy I can get right now.

Well.....I felt like writing, but I find myself censoring way too much, so I guess that may be it for now......But then again.......

OK...Here's an after thought.........Looking at my last post I see that it has been about a month since my last migraine...... So maybe there is a pattern......

denied.......again!

I can't believe I haven't posted on here since the end of January....What can I say, this is how it is. I've been taking it easy.......and finally got back into head therapy. If you remember my old head doc retired last year, and it was really hard for me to start over. Can't say I've accomplished anything in therapy yet, cause we're still getting to know one another.But at least I'm there. I have been feeling better lately.....but hold on, don't get too excited, this is how it is. And I'm not saying I've been out running marathons or anything, but my spirits have been up. Then again it might just be that time of year. I always get that 'spunk' of energy when it starts to warms up.

Last week was a little rough....Stress has been a factor though so I understand. A week of migraines and lots of bathroom visits! Yuck! I got my last denial letter from Social Security this past week, and have been busily trying to find a 'disability lawyer that works at the federal level'. I really don't have the energy for this, but I also don't feel like there was anyway I could of held a job down and go through what I want through. No, I still haven't returned to work yet....still having problems with my blood pressure fluctuating....among other things. But I am trying to get there. I finally found a doctor in my area that 'treats' Dysautonomia!!! But couldn't get an appointment until September. However, my appointment is for 2 hours, so we'll be able to cover A Lot!!

So that's about it...Not to exciting huh, lol...............

See ya next time......

Thyroid update.

Thought while I was on here...I should post an update, huh.

So, let's see. My blood work on my thyroid came back normal. But my ultrasound did not. Seems I have an enlarged thyroid (Thyromegaly, as it reads on the report)....and I have a 1.9 cm solid nodule on my left lobe. Fun, huh! I have had A Lot of crazy thoughts go through my head since I got the news, but for the most part , I think I have settled my nerves down. I don't get to see a specialist until April, which annoys me because I'm ready for answers NOW! I Hate waiting. But on the bright side of things, my PCP doesn't think it's cancerous, so that's good. Just another bump in my road, I guess. But I tell you this, I am really Tired of learning about new body parts. If I had wanted to know all this I would been a doctor or something. But it does make me think that with this knowledge, one day.....it may come in handy. Just wish I could remember everything I read. Half of it is lost as soon as I read it, not to mention that the other half is not even understandable. Don't they have a Dummy's guide to the human body...something with words that I could understand? I don't get half of it. I do try and write down my questions though...and I try to copy the important stuff into my notes. That way, when I'm at the doctors, I at least have a general idea of what he'll be talking about, and if I have any questions, I can ask them, them.

So....in other words, I still really have no clue as to what is going on. I ask myself how much of my 'heart symptoms' are actually thyroid issues, and if they can be fixed with meds. Wouldn't that be awesome! If I eventually became symptom free.....I wouldn't even know what to do with myself, lol.

Still haven't made an appoint with my OBGYN........I'm still wore out from all the crap I've dealt with so far, I'm just running low on umph! I look at it like this. I don't want to go on meds, and I don't want to lose my last ovary either. So, I wait it out, and see what happens. I can live with pain......gives me an excuse to take long hot baths. Mind of matter right. Or maybe I'm just being stubborn.

I dunno.....
I know this much
I'm open to any advice or info any one has on thyroid issues. Any good website recommendations? Any thing I should know about as far as meds go? Anything I should know period? Any tips, books.....Anything? I'd really appreciate any advice anyone has to offer! Thanks!

Until Next Time......

I'm still here......

Yes! I know, I am long overdue on a post......But don't worry, you haven't missed much! I took the month of December off! I decided that I needed a month of no doctors! No stress! No BS! I'm 'sick' and there's nothing that can be done about that....and all the other little things are just bumps in the road, But Dang it! I need a break sometimes! And if that means staying away from the stress of the doctors, then so be it. I honestly could use another month or 2 to hide, but I'm afraid that if I put things off any longer, I may cause more damage. So....with that said:

I saw my PCP yesterday to catch up and try and get a handle on somethings. When I had my annual exam with my regular OBGYN, she told me that my Thyroid was 'prominent" and that I needed to get it checked out. Well......My step-sister has had hers removed, then My Mom had hers removed this past year....and well, it's just something I didn't want to deal with over the holidays! I can't tell you how many times I have spent the holidays sitting at the hospital waiting on a CT, or blood work, or preparing for surgery.....and well, this year, I didn't want to do that! However, my life isn't really about me, it's about all those people that surround me, and well, I can't let them down. So, yesterday, I got my blood work done, and the doc has ordered an ultrasound to check it out further. Funny thing is I now know where my Thyroid is.....From what I read yesterday, your not suppose to be able to feel it at all......Unless it's acting up~ so maybe now that I've said something aloud about it, it will go away! Honestly, I've felt it acting up for months now, but I honestly made myself believe that I was just having sympathy 'aches' for my Mother.....Or I blamed it on my sinus draining.....Yes, I have been trying to think of everything else, but the worse case scenario....I'm just tired of being cut open.....Really! I'm over it!

And then to top it all off, I can't stop thinking about going back to school. About where my life isn't going. I had so many dreams of what my life was going to be like...and they're all coming back to me. I just don't know how to balance doing something with myself and taking care of myself. It's depressing! I keep telling myself that there's a bigger plan, and that this is how I'm suppose to prepare for it......but it makes my head hurt thinking about what it is that I'm preparing for, ya know! Life!

......and we can't forget about my ovary! Next month I gotta get an ultrasound to see if that cyst has shrunk any....and yet, I don't have a doctor I trust to talk to about it. I like my primary OBGYN~ But she sent me up stream along time ago, because my case was too complex....and I don't blame her! Actually I respected her for being honest with me about it. Yesterday, my PCP told me to go back to her, and see if I can't find a new starting point. I really don't wanna, and still haven't called. I just feel like I'm running in circles....well, maybe crawling in circles would be more like it, lol. Point is, I'm going nowhere fast, and IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS!!!

So, as I sit here and prepare for my next ride, I think. and Think.....and think........
Will I ever be able to get past this?????

Until next time.....

I know...it's been awhile!

Well.....If you've read my other blog.....You know that my computer was acting up....and I simply unplugged it. Electronics really stress me out...Other than knowing how to turn one on......I just don't get it. And then I also just didn't feel like talking.

My Grandmother passed away on Oct 22....and then began some family drama, that I really wanted to avoid. I just don't think some things need to be aired all over the web...Yes, I know I've shown pictures of my body that know one else would show...but when it comes to talking trash about a certain family member....I'm just not going to do it! I will say this.....My 'family' is very important to me....And there's some people that I really don't consider Family....and I just think they need to mind their own business! So with that said....I'm moving on.

Grandma was cremated.....And is now back at home with Grandpa. And Grandpa is talking about taking her on a cross country train ride, because it's something that he's always wanted to do! I just think it's so sweet that he wants to do this!!! My Grandparents have been together for 60 something years.....So it only seems natural that he'd take her with him.

And as for my health....Well.....nothing has changed. I went for an ultrasound last week, and I do think they said that the cyst wasn't hemorrhaging anymore, but that it had gotten a little bigger....I just don't want to mess around with the hormone treatments~ After going through 3 heart ablations....I AM NOT trying to mess up any of that work that was done. It scares me. And surgery is just not an option right now~ I really want to keep my ovary as long as I can. So the doctor suggested a follow up ultra sound in 3 months. And let me tell you.......This waiting game SUCKS! I want it fixed now, I am tired of playing with it. I did have my blood check, and there was no anemia.....and they even checked my stool, and there's no blood there.....So that makes me feel a little better.

The doctor and I seem to be bumping heads though about where my pain is coming from......I know that when I have a bowel movement...it hurts like hell, like the bowel movement is sliding across something that is really sensitive. And he thinks it coming from my IBS. LOL< I even took a Valium before I went and talked to him the last time, so I didn't get emotional.....but the conversation we had seemed to go nowhere, and I was crying and having an anxiety attack as I left. So now I guess I'll get a third opinion. But I'm running out of options here. I think I've seen 2/3 of the GYNs in this area in my life, and I've bumped heads with ALL of them. Makes me feel like I'm the one who has the problem, but honestly....no one ever really wants to listen to me. I've been playing this game for years, and have run real short on the energy I have left. I really need to get back on track.....Looks like I have a lot to do, and yet.....I think I need a break. ( LMAO!!~ You know what the shitty part of being 'sick' is.....You never really get a break! You can't run or hide from it......I know, I have Tried...It just followed along behind me! But I can take a break from the doctors, right. So Now I'm waiting.....waiting for the next hiccup, waiting for this cyst to go away.....and waiting for my Umph to come back........

That's about it I guess......With me anyways.....

But before I go.....I want to tell you about my neighbor and her son, Lane. The weekend we took the kids to camp, her son fell and hurt his leg, And when his parents took him to the ER, they found out he has cancer in his leg. Luckily we are right next to one of the Best Children's hospitals...where he has been receiving his chemo, but here on the 20th he goes to Duke for surgery. This Kid is Amazing! Lane always makes me laugh! His parents have a website for him, and when you get a chance......you should go check it out, too!! His link is over on the right hand side of my page...and while you're there~ Look at his pictures(second page of pics I think)!! He was a tank this year for Halloween, and honestly, it's the coolest costume I've ever seen!! Also....please leave him a comment....it's Ok that you don't know him, He just likes reading them! I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for the family this week, they have a long road ahead of them!! My prayers and thought will be with them!!